So, I’m coming out as a consensual non-monogamist. It’s such a private thing – a sex life – it begs the question, “Why come out?”
Consensual non-monogamy isn’t a kink, it’s a lifestyle. A big part of my waking day is spent with my swinger/poly/pervy community. The way that I understand and explore my sexuality is a huge part of my life: it colors the way I see the world, it brings me deeper understanding of people, and makes me feel good.
So I’m coming out. In part, to control the message. (My extended family shouldn’t hear that I’m a happy slut from anyone but me.) I’m also laying myself bare because others can’t. I have friends who come from repressive religious backgrounds, many are teachers and civic leaders, and some are just terrified.
It’s time to normalize alternative sexual predilections among the hetero/coupled/straight set. It’s time for women who love sex and freely, joyously explore their sexuality to be heard.
My partner and I have been together for 24 years. We were monogamous for 19 of those years, and it was all fine. We weren’t on the precipice of cheating before we opened our marriage, not even close. But walk around with any sort of prohibition in life and temptation looms large. People we love have died. I have pushed babies through my body. We have caused each other great pain. We have experienced unparalleled joy. Why shouldn’t my partner know that I find other people attractive?
Consensual non-monogamy isn’t more difficult than monogamy, though it often takes some seriously difficult conversation to make it work. It’s worth it. My husband’s and my relationship has been enhanced beyond measure; we are living, walking proof that consensual non-monogamy can be a happy, uncomplicated reality for people who love and respect each other.
This blog is about my life as a sexual adventurer. I’m a wife and mother, daughter and friend. I love sex, and want pleasure for all of my friends. Life is good … it’s time to share my joy to a wider audience.
Go Holley! You’re such a badass renegade and brilliant writer! I celebrate you and your gorgeous audacity. xoxox
Love this. Thank you for your brave and honest approach.
Beautifully written Holley. I especially resonated with the passage about all the big, major life stuff that we share with our partners like life and death; why not share the simple, natural, unavoidable human truth that we are attracted to people to whom we are not committed? It’s a sign of health and vitality.
Read your article in The Week and found ourselves drawn here by the vibrant energy so well expressed through your writing. We too, are sexually non-monogamous but have decided to keep our choice secreted from family and our vanilla friends. There are days we would love to tell the world but our jobs and position in our small community have led us to remain in the closet.
We have also not chosen to share this aspect of our lifestyle with our adult children. We have always tried to instill in our children compassion and openness but we could not bring ourselves to disclose something that we felt may be a burden to process for our twenty-something kids.
We suspect there is no “right” way to navigate these decisions but we do our best to follow our heart.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
Hello! Thank you for reading, I appreciated it. The one-and-only truth that I’ve discovered through my journey is that everyone, EVERYONE, has different boundaries and tolerances. Whether it’s about sex, discretion, or safety, we are all unique. Marvelous, isn’t it?
My thanks for your comment!
We are a couple just like you (only difference is we’ve been together couple years longer than you guys). We started our exploration few years ago and we love every single second of the journey.
Thank you for your comment and for reading! “Exploration” and “journey” are great words to describe this adventure. My husband’s and my collective lives have been enriched and challenged in so many ways.
Congrats! Welcome to the OUT Slut Club! I’ve been out for 5 years. At first, I had to deal with serious repercussions – fired, sued, etc, but I persevered and came out on top. Now I’m the Queen of my Kingdom! It feels so good to be fully integrated! We live in a free country, but so many people feel the need to be caged. I recommend thinking outside the cage! Replace the fear with love!