Madame’s Favorite Things

Oprah’s list is lovely … if you’re in the market for a preppy tote, or a cake that looks like a flower pot. No, but thank you (though the tote would hold a Hitachi Magic Wand nicely). I want naughty, soft, personal things.

Unlike Ms. Oprah’s “O List,” mine focuses squarely on the Biggest O. These gifts are selfishly selected to hasten hot, steamy sex with a few orgasms for yours truly. I’m sure you can see how the gift giver benefits here too.

My years as a Fashion Stylist and my current occupation as Writer-Slut are coming in to beautiful synchronicity. Enjoy!

Slippery Fancy Goo
Good lube is my bedside essential. I use it with company and alone, and my taste tends toward the Dom Perignon of lubricant: Uberlube. It’s perfect: silky texture, odorless & tasteless, and the packaging is eminently gift-able. It even comes in travel size.


My husband knows that I like Honeydew Intimates lingerie. This knowledge, my friends, is a gift for him and for me. He has a successful shopping experience, and he’s assured that I will not only love the gift, but actually wear it. Everyone’s a winner.

Seriously sexy, and comfy! Find this ensemble here.

Seductive, Cozy Warm Things
Good lingerie is wasted under my 17-year-old, warm-as-all-get-out blue bathrobe. I’m bucking for something as seductive as a bear skin rug, but made out of polyester.

This will look even better without clothes underneath, no? Find it at F21.

Buy it for me then read it to me.

Pot & Champagne
This is an excellent combination. If you’re lucky enough to live in Washington, Oregon, or Colorado and are gifting to non-sober people, trust, you can’t go wrong with this prezzie. A nicely rolled joint of Durban Poison or Jack Herer and a bottle of Veuve-Clicquot … good-bye pants.

Boudoir Photos
I was nervous (didn’t last long, my photographer was fantastic) and freezing (bright side: hard nipples!) but my sexy photo shoot remains one of the best things I’ve done for myself. This is the gift that keeps on giving: I’ve sexted these beauties to many happy recipients.


Fantasy Brought to Life
Imagine my joy when, after a nice dinner at home with my husband, there’s a knock at the door and a favorite gentleman friend awaits with a sprig of mistletoe (or pot & champagne). That’s my fantasy, what’s yours? Make it happen and – literally – surprise the pants off of someone you love. Play your cards right and this costs nothing.

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